The girl I met last night turned out to be a lemon. In her pictures, she didn't look quite so yellow, but when I met her in person she was definitely a lemon, three inches tall and pointed on either end and covered in a finely textured peel. I didn't know quite what to say because I didn't want to be rude, or act like I hadn't known, because when I thought about it her profile had definitely said that she was short and from Florida, and later when I checked I confirmed that she described herself as "zesty," so maybe I'm a dumbass who can't put two and two together. The thing is, I am really not attracted to lemons, but I had already made reservations at this place, and anyway there is no polite way of saying, Hey, This Isn't Exactly How I Thought It Would Be, So I'm Going To Go Home Now, Have A Nice Life Or Something. I try to be a gentleman. So we got our table, we sat down. She had clear skin and a nice shape, as far as lemons go. I liked how she smelled; I don't hate lemons. I'm just not into them.
All throughout dinner, I thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship with a lemon. I had never been out with one before, so I had never spent any time thinking about that kind of thing. I couldn't imagine kissing her, for one. Like, I know that their skin itself isn't sour, but I'd still be afraid of getting a mouthful of juice, and how I'd want to pucker, or spit, and how embarrassed she'd be, because that probably happened to her a lot. And what about socializing? It isn't like she can get in a normal fruit salad with the rest of us: she'd ruin the whole thing. And then I thought, she probably has a family, and friends. What would it be like if, I don't know, she and I got married for some insane reason, and I wound up with this extended lemon family, and they all came over for brunch or something? What does anyone do with a houseful of lemons? What does anyone do with more than one lemon? It made me realize that there are probably a lot of single lemons out there, and the fact that I had only met this one was fairly odd. Think about it: who wants more than one lemon in their life? Maybe some zest, okay, a slice of citrus, a hint of tang. But any more than that gets too sour.