Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A list of dealbreakers.

Before we begin: I meant to write a disclaimer in my first entry. I wanted to say something like, Hey, just so we're clear, this isn't going to be all true. This is going to be mostly true. Accurate, but with blurry edges. The soft truth. You know how when you tell someone, Oh My God, I Was Waiting At My Dentist's Office For Like 10 Hours? This is all going to be true the way your 10 hour wait to get your teeth cleaned is true. The idea is there, and the intention isn't to mislead. I'm just trying to tell the best story is all.

Let's move on.

In a lot of ways, I am really openminded when it comes to dating. I do not care if you are tall or devastatingly handsome. I do not care what kind of car you have or if your watch is expensive. It does not matter to me how much money you make so long as you can support yourself. It's preferable, of course, that you're not in crippling debt, but since I have no way of knowing this right off the bat, I don't really think about it right away. It's nice if you have an education, but I understand that college isn't for everyone, and lots of people without a college education have perfectly respectable jobs. It's nice if you have a good relationship with your family, but again, I understand that this isn't always feasible. And so the list of Things About Which I Can Be Very Understanding continues, but I won't bore you with an exhaustive catalog because we'd be here all day since that is the kind of Extremely Openminded Person I am.


There are a number of things that will make me totally change my mind about liking you. Like, 180 goddamned degrees. Hero to zero. Hot to cold. And so on. It won't matter if you are tall or devastatingly handsome, or if your car is a [insert name of nice car here, I don't know a thing about cars], or if your watch costs like a trillion billion dollars.

Some of these utter dealbreakers, in no particular order, are as follows.

1. You compare things to Hitler. This is never a funny or original comment, nor is it an apt comparison. Your boss is not like Hitler. Your boss is maybe kind of condescending and inclined toward micromanagement. You know who was like Hitler? Other world leaders responsible for genocide. And you know who isn't like Hitler at all? Everyone else.

2. You consider yourself a "pick up artist," a "PUA," or you have books at your house/ websites bookmarked on your computer that have to do with being the aforementioned. If you fit this description, fuck you. Those who aren't familiar with the phenomenon of "pick up artistry" may perform a Google search. I won't even link to anything having to do with the "PUA" community because that's how much fuck you I feel toward them.

3. You describe yourself as "a Renaissance man," "the creative type," or anything of the sort. Actual creative people produce work that speaks for the creator's creativity. Everyone else can stop with the self-aggrandization.

4. You say negative things about the state of women's postpartum vaginas. Look, I work in medicine, obliquely. I understand that time isn't kind to the human form, and that childbirth may impart some changes upon the mother's body. I get this. But there is something so distasteful about insulting the vagina of a woman who has given birth to a child. Furthermore, I don't have any children. So this means that if you're talking about how "loose [a woman's postpartum] pussy" is, you're telling me this for no reason other than to insult other women.

5. You talk shit about sex workers. This includes insulting sex workers, but it also includes stating that you think it's cool to go to strip clubs and not tip. This is only one example of many, and none of it is cool. I don't have to go into why. You know it isn't cool, and if you do it anyway, fuck you.

6. You lie about things regarding which I can easily find out the truth. If you say, "I live on a boat!" and then I'm like, "Let's go to your place, I'm so interested in seeing what it's like to live on a boat!" and you're like, "Okay, technically I live in an apartment, but my mom in Port Charlotte has a boat," then you can go fuck yourself.


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